When my husband and I lost our baby at 14 weeks pregnant on September 11th, I thought there was no way I'd recover from such a trauma. I remember the numbness I felt while sitting in the examination room after seeing my sweet baby lying lifeless inside my womb. I'll never forget that image...it tormented me in my sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, it was only thing I saw...my sweet baby baby just lying there. The pain from such loss, the depression, and anxiety took me to such a low place that for weeks, most of my days were spent drowning in tears.
I felt helpless.
I felt hopeless.
I felt forsaken.
I felt weak.
I felt deep sorrow.
I felt empty.
I felt broken.
I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't speak.
I couldn't pray.
I couldn't write.
I couldn't smile.
I couldn't interact with my family.
I descended deep into a pit of despair, and honestly began to believe that it was over for me. Of all of the challenging situations I'd overcome, this one had knocked me completely off my feet. My internal world was upside down...chaotic...nothing made sense. If I'm truly honest, for a moment, I was angry with God. I couldn't understand why He'd allow something so heartbreaking to happen. I couldn't figure out what I'd done to deserve such pain.
No one knew my raw pain...no one saw my inner turmoil...no one witnessed my emotional breakdown. No one. But God.
When I hid the true depths of my pain from those who came to comfort and console me, He saw it all. He felt it all. He understood it all.
He took the mess that I'd become and cleaned it up. He wiped my tears. He calmed my fears. He broke the forming chains of mental and emotional turmoil, and commanded me, His daughter, to rise up from the ashes. He breathed breath into my lifeless soul, strengthened my buckling knees, mended my shattered heart, and rescued my crushed spirit. He. Healed. Me.
I stand today immeasurably stronger than I was almost three months ago. The pain did not destroy me, but it has propelled me further into my destiny.
I could have drowned.
I could have been consumed.
I could have lost my mind.
I could have...I should have...I would have...but because of God's grace, I didn't. Praise God!
This is my personal gratitude.
Happy Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for?
"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."
1 Thessalonians 5:18, NLT~